I’m not anti-social, I’m just introverted

If you’ve been reading this blog long enough or just know me well enough in real life, I tend to be a quiet and soft spoken person. If I really want to get analytical, I learned early in my childhood to be quiet and I was interrupted a lot as a child so I have a minor stutter that is more obvious when I am nervous or stressed out. This is why I prefer written communication. I do not verbalize on the spot very well or talk for long periods of time by myself well. Or rather, I keep my verbalized responses on the briefer side. This is why I suck at presentations.

And growing up in an Asian household, it is a cultural thing to value more introverted qualities. However, I think my dad missed that memo and I distinctly remember incidents where I was penalized for being shy and reserved. And every time I tried to be this outgoing person, I just felt very detached from myself and it just didn’t feel right to pretend to be this social butterfly. Because then I end up feeling like this:

Additionally in my early childhood, I lived in a not-so very safe neighborhood and there were few children my age to play with. I didn’t have a lot of friends growing up, so most of my time was spent with my older brother who was always babysitting me until he left for college when I was 7 (yes, 10 year age gap). After that I usually occupied myself with books. And for a lonely child, books are the best friends a kid could ever have.

While growing up in a not-so-safe neighborhood with us being the only Asian family in the near vicinity at the time, I dealt with a lot of racist bullying. This did not help with the whole social interaction thing when I was busy minding my own business and trying to avoid attracting any attention towards me that would result in horrible and cruel consequences. And when my family moved, the bullying moved on from being racist to me being a nerd. Yeah, that also didn’t help either. This also resulted in a lot of self-consciousness, rock bottom self-esteem, and general misery through middle and high school.

Basically, social interactions can be very difficult for me. Psychologically, I learned that trying to be myself just resulted in ridicule; so in many ways I have yet to move on from that hurdle that I am not in high school anymore. I’m working on it.

I find it physically exhausting to be social around a lot of people, since it requires a lot of effort on my part. For introverts, people are exhausting and we need time alone to collect ourselves and recharge. I absolutely hate parties because it’s so overwhelming for me and I need at least 24 hours notice to help prepare myself. I also like to plan things in general, so having this time to mentally prepare myself is necessary. Many introverts (especially myself) have to flip a switch to deal with social occasions. I am still genuinely myself, but I have to put effort to socialize with others and that takes its toll after some time.

Another reason why I hate parties were the many dinner parties Asian families tend to have with their friends. I learned to hate drunken debauchery and obnoxiousness at an early age, which is why I’m not really much into the party scene in college/grad school. I’m not a very big fan of obnoxious drunkenness which is another reason why I avoid going to bars or any setting where there will be an abundance of alcohol. And sometimes I just get bored because I feel kind of left out, since I don’t really drink or I don’t really have anyone I could hang out with. Parties also have a stronger chance to induce panic attacks for me, which are unbelievably terrifying. If you never experienced one, the best way to describe it is that you really feel like you’re going to die. And that’s not fun. But this is more due to me being an anxious and shy person, not so much being introverted.

There was a short period of time in my spring semester of junior year of college when I was more social, but I was also going through a very tough spot in my life with my crazy bitch of a roommate and being led on by a guy  for five months (whom I had liked for an entire year). Even then my little dabble into that wasn’t that extreme by average college student standards, but it was a significant jump for someone like me. It was also during this state of depression that I bleached my hair and dyed it a deep burgundy. But that fizzled out quickly once I got my life back together (my crazy bitchface of a roommate transferring to a different school significantly helped). The parties were a way to escape her, since she never left the room to go out and have a life of her own. And additional boy drama concerning my last crush before meeting ze boyfriend finally made me give up on that asshole. And thankfully I cut him off because then I met ze boyfriend who has been nothing short of wonderful.

But back to being introverted. After reaching my quota of social interaction, my brain kind of shuts down and I just want to be alone. This varies depending on the situation. If I am with my two best friends, there is practically no limit of time I can spend with them without burning out. The same goes with ze boyfriend. But if it is with people I am not too familiar with or in a setting I do not particularly care for (i.e.: bars, parties), then I burn out more easily. This is usually when I make an excuse to go outside to get some fresh air (parties are usually in very inclosed spaces that don’t allow for proper air ventilation).

There are also very few people where I can talk whatever is on my mind without fear of ridicule or understand my weird banter and actually play off it are: my two best friends and ze boyfriend. I like to think that if I am able to talk to ze boyfriend just as I can with my two best friends that he is a keeper.

Replace the controller with a book, and that's an accurate drawing of me.

 What’s so frustrating is that in Western society, most of the people are extroverted and we introverts understand them due to our constant forced interactions with them. Extroverts don’t seem to really get it with introverts, since the proportions aren’t really in our favor for them to be exposed to us. I like to think there is 1 introvert for every 10 extroverts.

While I am not completely against socialization, I just prefer them to be generally more casual and in quieter environments (I am a big fan of cafes and restaurants) and in smaller groups. I am also not a fan of crowds and small spaces, which is another reason why I avoid bars since I start to feel claustrophobic with all of those people around me.

Tl;dr: I can handle most people in small amounts before brain shuts down.